It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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