i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
