wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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