I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
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