In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
