2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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