you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
