Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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