I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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