dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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