I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
