Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
