bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
