Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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