I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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