dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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