Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
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Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
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I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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