so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
