Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
