I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
