There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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