So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
