laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
