apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
