What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
