remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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