I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
