I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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