Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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