Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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