good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
