Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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