Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
