plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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