There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
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