the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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