I think I won the penis lottery.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
