Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
