After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
