Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
