i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
