we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
