My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
