gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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