Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
