I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
