You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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