Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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