Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Are we still banned from the library?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
