you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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