I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
