we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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