i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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