I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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