You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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