The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
