The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize