my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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