I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
