Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
